The world I leave you.

Smush and Thumper,
The world I’m leaving for you both is not the world I had ever imagined, hoped or dreamed that it would be. I had wished for so much more for the both of you.
I’d like to say that I have done all that I can to give you this perfect world I had dreamed up for you. But, I don’t know that I have.
This place that I’m someday leaving for you is so broken. Sometimes it feel’s like the hurt runs deep into the earth’s core. Like if you stick your hand into the earth’s soil you’ll be able to pull out all of the hurt. Strands and strands of little intricate veins of previous generation’s hurt and wrong trickling and fracturing through. Stringy and gooey and wrong.
When I got pregnant with you smush it really hit me, what I have and haven’t done in this world and what that now mean’s for you. I wish that I had lived up to the expectations of my childhood self, the little girl who didn’t think but knew she could save the world. A little girl who believed in love, fairy tales and genuine human kindness.
More often then not I look back on that girl, and wonder where it was I left her. I search in the crevices of my mind, closing and opening doors calling for her.
Calling for a peace of her hope, just a tiny wedge like the sweetest chocolate to tuck away and enjoy slowly another time.
I see pieces of that in your eyes, smush. I hear pieces of that in your laughter Thumper.
And so, I have to tell you about this world someday. But most importantly I have to figure out how to help you fix what we couldn’t fix, and those before us, and those before that. I have to figure out how to teach you to be good men with good soul’s that the world cannot and will not corrupt or beat down. I have to figure out how to make good human beings who will make good human beings, who will also make good human beings and chalk that up as my contribution. Because all I can tell myself is that by making one more good human being I’ve helped changed the world, even if it’s just a little.
I want to show you that you can conquer the world, your world, your dreams, your passions. That you can overcome your sorrows and bring back the light, turn back on the sun and ward off the fog that can sometimes over take a person’s mind.
It’s terrifying. Because more often then not I am sure I will let you down. More often then not I know you will look back on a memory and think of how I could have handled it better, or been better so that YOU could have become a better person.
And I wonder, how many of those moment’s have come to make up this world.
I want you to reach out and help always, and love wherever you can. I want you to keep your soul’s clean, and your bodies as well. Drugs and the like are just band aids.
They were not made to solve the problems in your life, and trust me when I say that many men have fallen before you to the likes of this.
This concept that you can find a band aid, to solve your hurt or feelings or problems of any kind, is a trap of the oldest kind. A trap that spirals and never let’s you back out of. There is no emergency ladder or escape route once you start heading down.
This is your warning, I hope you hear it.
I want you to be kind, always. This is hard. Even one someone doesn’t deserve it. Even when you feel like ‘why do I have to be?’
The world will always need a little kindness. But on the same note, be wary, and protective of yourself. Because this world is not a good world, and bad things are always happening.
Laugh and live in the moment but not too much that you are reckless, trust me, there is a huge difference. But it is also a difficult balancing act. Lose your balance and you will go plummeting downwards towards something that will break you, something you may not be able to get back up from.
And my loves, there is no safety net, no training wheels, no one to hold your hand.
Work hard, study hard and play hard.
Understand that you weren’t put on this earth to simply do one . You are here to sing, dance, smell the ocean. You are here to kiss and love, and burn with dreams and passion. You are here to work hard and learn. To fall and climb and get back up.
Learn balance, its essential to being a good person and helping others to be a good person. If you cannot take care of yourself you cant help anyone else.
One of the most important things I can teach you is that you can work as hard as you possibly can, you can put everything you have into it. And you can still LOSE.
The world does not owe you anything.
There is no shame in how you feel. There is a double standard for boy’s to be tough, to choke down your emotions. And I hope I can teach you, instead, how to work through emotions that otherwise may seem crippling. Emotions that when society is telling you to tough it out it would leave you feeling lost and floating away. Or frustrated and overwhelmed. Instead I hope to show you how to work through them and learn through them. How to turn them into something constructive and not destructive.
You don’t always need to be tough, nobody is always tough. It’s an impossible schema.
I hope that I can show you these things, and the world you wake up and leave to your children is not the world that I have woken up and left to you.
I hope you break walls, and ceilings of societal standards that are outdated and harmful. I hope you pave the way for others to follow. Always looking to see what you can do for them and not what you can TAKE.
I hope that if you ever sit down to write a letter about the world to your children it’ll be so different then this.
Love, mama


Letters To My Son Vol. 3



Letters To My Son in roughly 7 weeks and 6 days will become Letters To My Son’s. Well, that’s the countdown for the estimated due date. We all know that children have a tendency of doing as they please, especially when it concern’s due dates.
So it’s with great joy and trepidation I bring the next installment of Letters To My Son. A post all about my eldest becoming a big brother. Trepidation? You ask. Why yes, because one kid is hard enough to wrangle, and I’m barely managing that. And of course since we are somewhat gluttons for punishment we are already bringing the next kid into the mix. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, but definitely nervous about how this is going to go.  So, let’s get into it.

Dear SmushSmush,
Very shortly here you will be subjected to a screaming, crying baby. And so I thought it necessary to write this for you to read someday in the future.
First I want to say daddy and I are sorry. But we also aren’t. We’re sorry for all the times you will be asked to be quieter because the baby is sleeping, we’re sorry for your loss of status of being the baby. That’s something you’ll never get back. I’m sorry for any of the times you need and want mama but won’t get my undivided attention because your brother needs it more.
That’ll be something that will never change. As you grow a sibling is inevitably going to take our attention when you might want or need it. Know that your dad and I will always try to be fair, but at times we may fall short in your eyes. I don’t expect you to understand it. I just hope you can forgive us for any and all perceived shortcomings. Despite our best efforts we will fail you and your brother at times. This is just a fact of life. Becoming an older sibling means being held to a higher standard. This isn’t fair. We all know it. But it’s what it is, and it’s that way because it has to be. Your brother will be watching you, looking to you for guidance. He will mimic your actions. And so your dad and I will be relying on you to help lead your brother down the right paths. Please understand and don’t mix this up though. We don’t and won’t account his failures as your own and vice versa. You will mean more to each other then either of you will ever be able to see at first, maybe if ever. It is my hopes that when your dad and I are no longer here, you have each other. The best allies in the world, someone to always guard your back. Someone to watch your progression through life in a way that no one else will ever be able to do. When we are gone; for you to not be alone, and never be on your own is one of the most important things. Because the world is a hard and cold place, especially when you have no one in your ball court. You could be a superstar and it’ll mean nothing without people around you to share it with.
There will be times when this little thing will be screaming and you won’t understand why. I’m sure it’ll be annoying and frustrating to you. And I’m sorry for that.
All of the sudden you will have to share your attention, your love, your toys, your comfort items. And you’ll just be expected to do it, with no explanations. We will just expect you, in some ways to have just grown up over night.
It’ll be expected that over night you will need mama less. Because you’ll be over a year when your brother comes. So, why would you need us as much?
I understand on so many levels how unfair this will be for you. To share your space and attention with something and someone you wont understand until you are actually older and more capable of not needing mama.
But in this little baby that you wont quite understand we are hoping you will find a close friend and a forever companion. So no, it wont always be fair for you, but we hope it’ll be somewhat worth it, in moments of your life, maybe even solid chunks of moments towards the grown up parts of your life.

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The times that I’m too tried after tending to your brother, to give you what you really need, I hope you forgive me for.
The times my frustrations aren’t checked and you realize them, I hope you forgive me for it.
When your brother hurts your feelings and you wish we had never had another kid, I hope you see the bigger picture for it.
Being the eldest sibling puts you on this level that you will never be able to get down from. And you had no choice in the matter. As an older sibling, I understand how this feels, and I hope you will forgive me for it.
You will be asked to be the bigger person on numerous occasions, on occasions when you shouldn’t have to be the bigger person. The times when you should be able to express how truly hurt and pissed off you are will be overshadowed by the necessity of you being a good example.
We love you both very much, we have so much love in our hearts to give, and that’s why you will have another sibling. Because we want our house filled with laughter and love.

Letters to my son Vol. 2


Twas the weekend before Christmas, and silence all through the house. Both the boys are sleeping..and even the cat’s are leaving me the heck alone.

Which is the perfect time for a blog post, right?

I hope the holiday’s are finding you well, and that you are soaking in all the holiday joy. I on the other hand, can’t believe Christmas is next weekend. It has come by so quickly. Everything I wanted to get done this year, is for sure not happening. Like making tamales, maybe next year. I kind of thought that was going to be an ambitious goal.
So while the two boys are sleeping I figured what better time to work on my second installment of letters to my son. This one takes a lot of time and thought, so I really needed to have some semblance of peace around me while I work on it. Which is why there’s only 2 so far because it so rarely happens.

So volume 2, is going to be all about me…but…not really? It’s going to address all the things I have learned so far from being this little boy’s mama. And I know for sure I am not done learning.


Dear little smushsmush,
When I first found out I was pregnant with you the emotion I had was disbelief. I wish so badly that I could tell you it was euphoria and Joy. But it wasn’t. I felt like someone was playing a joke on me, and not because I didn’t want you, oh boy did I want you. It was because I felt like I had tried and hoped and dreamed for so long that I couldn’t even believe it was possible that now you were here. Eventually after 15 pregnancy tests and the first ultrasound that disbelief wore off and it was replaced with joy…and worry…
And that leads me to my first and one of the most important things you have taught me.
You’ve taught me to love myself in a way that no one and nothing has ever taught me.
Growing up I have always struggled with my weight and pretty much every aspect of my looks. I got made fun of for my red hair and freckles and my weight. I got fun of for being too pale, and even still I get told that I should go get a tan. I already know, that it is going to break my heart the first day that you come home upset or crying because someone was mean. My sweet boy, know that high school and all the other years are not the best years of your life. Brush off what they say and only worry about being a good person at the end of the day.
I didn’t do that. Throughout my childhood, I really struggled to fit in, and to be ‘pretty’ enough. And so, it was no wonder that in my high school years I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I developed an eating disorder. (Sorry mom, if you’re reading this, which I’m sure you are, because you have done nothing but support my ambitions in life). I felt horrible I didn’t even want to look in the mirror. And when I did look in the mirror all I could see was something repulsive.  Obviously, everything people said about me was right. Or so I thought.   And when you feel that disgusted by yourself, all the time, it’s a hard thing to handle. I remember that one of my high school goals, wasn’t to get good grades, it was to drop a ridiculous amount of weight in a short period of time so that I could walk across the stage, accept my diploma and show those assholes that were mean to me that I could be pretty.
It started small, and greatly progressed. Before I knew it I had fully developed an eating disorder…and I loved it. I loved the sense of control and I loved how much weight I was losing, I loved finally being ‘skinny’. But here’s the thing…It was never enough. I never felt good enough. And that’s what it comes down too. It didn’t matter how much weight I lost, I was never going to like myself until I really learned how to love myself. And that is not something I have really accomplished until having you. Don’t get me wrong. I still have my moments, especially because the eating disorder was also about having control and I greatly desired and enjoyed how much control I felt I had while doing that. But when I look in the mirror now, when I have down days, I take a step back. And I think about how truly wonderful my body is. No, I may not be at the size I want, but I grew this tiny perfect little life inside of me for nine months. My body shifted around, and pushed itself upwards to fit you, and grow you, and nourish you. My body…is badass. And I refuse to disrespect it in the manner I used to. I refuse to not recognize the pain, and hardship it went through during labor to birth you, and the energy and love and life it took to nourish and grow you. I am beautiful because of that. And feeling that way is an emotion that I have never experienced, that appreciation for my body has never been there…until you.
The second thing you have taught me is patience. Please know that I am not perfect, and I still and will always have my moments. But man, I am trying so hard to get better about this. My level of patience before having you was zero. So it goes without saying that it has gone up. When you first came along, I didn’t know what the heck I was doing (still don’t) and so there were moments that were very frustrating and I didn’t have the patience for that. But now I have started to recognize that sometimes when you are fussing and just want to be held, it’s a sign…that we both need to take a pause from everything that is going on and take a break. You have gotten  me to slow down, to pause and breath. This is something that I never understood or was capable of. I never realized how much I truly needed to learn how to do that, but I did. I am too uptight, expecting things to always go perfect and to always go my way. That’s not life. And That was a hard pill for me to swallow, one that I still struggle with and probably will for your entire life. I truly hope that when you look back on your childhood you will see and recognize how hard I tried to control and better this.
The third thing is the realization and acceptance that I do not have everything figured out and that I don’t have to have everything figured out.
When I turned 20 I freaked. I didn’t have a college degree, or a career, we were losing a house, and I was living with my boyfriend in a different state then my parents (your daddy was that boyfriend).
I felt like everything was spiraling out of control, because I had nothing figured out. I remember thinking I was never going to amount to anything, that I was already 20 and I had nothing figured out.
Here’s the thing kid.
I’m 27. And I still don’t have everything figured out.
But now, since having you, I’ve realized that that’s ok. My most important job is raising you to be a good person. I have more of a plan then I did when I was 20. But I also understand that shit happens and plans change, and I am more okay with that now.
Here’s the thing little man, you can plan out your entire life. Go buy a bulletin board, index cards and push pins and map it all out, take the tedious time and energy to put up your idealistic life plan. But you will only be setting yourself up for failure.
Because when life happens and you have to take off half of those index cards, stuck in your plan and your way you will be unable to recognize the bigger picture, the ultimate end goal…being happy.
Please don’t do this.
Don’t make the mistake I made in my early 20’s.
Have a plan but be flexible, be comfortable and willing to change those index cards, to rearrange them and have back up plans. Recognize that sometimes, those index cards you painstakingly wrote out, those ideas you put down, with love and hope…sometimes they need to be let go…and that’s totally okay.
The only constant is that we are constantly growing, and changing. We are never who we were yesterday. So how do you expect, that at 20 you will have how the rest of your life is going to go figured out?
These are just the three big things you have taught me so far. I am constantly learning from you still. I love learning from you, and watching you grow and learn. I never realized how much you would teach me. It may seem small, these three things, but they are monumental to the grand scheme of my life. You are the best thing I have ever done.
Sometimes, you may not like what I say. Sometimes, I may not want to say or tell you these things, but I will. Because I need you to know the truth. I will always be honest with you Edwin. I will always tell you the truth of things even if they are hard. Even if I want to protect you.
Someday when you read all of this, I hope you will understand, and love me for the way I was, for the good things, and for my faults and indiscretions. I hope you will learn from me and find happiness.
Love always,



Letters to my Son vol. 1

Hey guys, welcome back!
We had a short Hiatus there, mostly because of school work…but also because another reason I had started this blog was to do a series called Letter’s to my son. I was excited about it, and it was the major reason for starting the blog and doing this. But I found myself unable to write the first one. The words have been in my head but whenever I sat down and tried to write them they stuck, lodged in my brain like little pricker’s lodged in your foot.  I wanted this to be right. Not only right, but perfect. So, in a sense I was already failing. Because there is no part of writing or blogging that is perfect. Let’s be honest, there is no part of my life that is in any way close to being a semblance of put together or perfect.
So here I am. Kicking and screaming. And I’m going to write it, I’m going to get it. Or maybe I won’t, maybe it’ll end up being only half as good as I want it to be. But the point is, I’m going to do it.




Letters to my son Vol. 1

Dear Edwin,

I don’t hope or dream that you will become the next president. I don’t hope you’ll follow the footsteps of Gandhi, or become a doctor or lawyer or rocket scientist.  While these are all admirable things, with the necessity of growing admirable and strong qualities it’s not something I am asking of you, it’s not something I am dreaming up for you.
I hope you are happy.
More than anything I hope you develop your own dreams, and pursue them with all the passion and perseverance of your entirety. You cannot live my life or the life I dream up for you.
Find something that lights up your soul, something that you are so excited to do that you are up before your alarm clock goes off, ready to accomplish it.
If that’s being an artist, or working a 9-5 job to support a growing family, or if you want to chain yourself to a tree in the rain forest to stop deforestation, I will be happy. That’s just to name a few, there are so many possibilities, don’t sell yourself short.
Be humble, never flaunt what you have, and make sure that what you have is through hard work and effort on your part.
Only look to others to see what they need and what you can give to them.
Don’t take, even if it’s someone you feel is undeserving or who won’t miss it.
I hope you feel and see and taste the world to the core of your being. The colors and the noise and the life all around you is irreplaceable, valuable, important.
Always stand up for what you believe, this will not always be easy, you will find that your beliefs, your values will be subjugated to others beliefs and values. That’s ok.
Don’t worry on it, explain your values and beliefs, present all that you do with knowledge behind it, reasoning and then move on. Some people will see your side of it. Some wont. Some people will hate you for it, some wont. It is not your goal or job to impress everyone, or for everyone to like you.
Never resort to violence.
Be a role model, to all of those around you, hold yourself in a way that is not expected but that is always admired.
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, especially animals. We are not here on this planet to be destructive or hurtful.
Understand and recognize, that you are not, cannot be and never will be perfect.
You are beautifully, wonderfully crazily flawed in every essence of the meaning. The beauty and tragedy of being human, is it takes time to gain perfection, to gain expertise on skills, and thoughts and traits. But time is not something we have.
Hold the door open for women, be respectful of women. Never forget where and how you came into this world; through a woman. That a woman held you, and loved you. A woman nursed, and soothed you.

All the while understanding that some women will come and go from your life in destructive whirl winds.
Know that someday someone will break your heart. They will break you down. They will make you feel unworthy.
I hope you follow your heart, I hope you understand your worthiness and don’t stand for those who do this to you. I hope you recognize what you will and will not tolerate, that you put your foot down. The right person will not need you to change who you are, they will never ask that from you.
I hope you live your life full of passion, a splattering tornado of emotions, colors. Chaotic and uncontrolled, unapologetic.
And on that note, I hope you find love, a love that ignites you and grounds you, but never one that extinguishes you.
Please learn the difference. A good love will ground and stabilize you, but ignite your heart and soul, like a lighting pole grounded with rubber, constantly being struck by lightning but never setting the world around it on fire.

If the love is threatening to burn you and your surroundings down, it’s not love.
Son, know that you are just one person. But if you are a good person you are one less person adding hurt, and hate to the world.

Always pursue knowledge over money.
Follow the things that will feed and nourish your soul, nothing less, nothing more.

These are the things I hope for you. These are the things I dream for you. They are tiny and huge, taking up no space but taking up all of it.
Perhaps it’d be easier if I just asked you to become a Doctor. To have a mansion in Beverly hills.
But I can’t, I won’t.
I expect so much more, I know you can be so much more.
You are me, and your dad, you are generations of flawed and wonderfully imperfect beings.
Filled with love, glittering and new.
And this is how we start, this is how we change the world. Through you. Through who you become.